HBD

I still look for you.

I miss you.

I look for you in the eyes of every boy who has caught mine. 

I try to find you in the warmth that seeps into me when lying with someone else. 

I try to search for hints of your thoughts in the conversations I have with all of them. 

I try to find the shadow of your bright, knowing smile on their lips 

and try not to cringe when I don't see it.

You're the same, and different at the same time,

 and you're still everything I would ever want and need. 

You're still my white picket fence and two bedroom house with a large yard. 

You're still the happily ever after that I've always dreamed of, and will never have.

You're still every single unanswered question, 

and every single answer to my existence.

But I'm not that to you, am I?

 I was never that to you.

 I never will be.

I still love you, though. 

You still have my heart. 

You can keep it, I don't need it... 

not yet, anyway.

~C

Aftermath

I know that look you have on your face when you see me in a dress, when I slap on some eyeliner. I know that look. The soft one, with your eyes twinkling, and your mouth twitching at the corners. I know that look because I've lived that look. That look has been my life. I've looked at so many men the way you look at me, with the heart in my eyes and a ready kiss on my lips. But I've never looked at you like that.

I know the hungry way your hands grip my waist, my thighs, my neck, my face, my breasts. I've felt that hunger, that yearning, the need to rip clothes off and kiss the bare skin underneath. That, at least, I have felt with you, on multiple occasions, wishing we were some place private and not jumping at the slightest sound.

I know the way your breath hitches as you deepen the kiss, the rise and fall of your chest that moves erratically with mine. I know the way your heart beats like it's running a marathon. I've felt that only with one before you.

I know the way you're teetering from the edge of falling in love, or maybe you've already fallen. Please don't fall, I won't catch you.

But, babe, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

Spoiling me and pampering me, hoping that maybe I'd like it all enough to keep you close, to maybe jump off the edge like you are so ready to do. Making me feel at home, and safe, and like you'll be there forever and ever to hold my hand and take care of me. I know what you're doing, because I'm doing the same thing.

I know you think I'm sweet, and loving, and cute, and caring and soft.. and I am. I really am. But I am also the hurricane that will unforgivably rip off the hinges of your front door and decimate all you love. You hold me like I am the most fragile flower and kiss me with such softness sometimes, I wonder what I did to deserve these moments with you. But you have to remember, love, I am also the monsters in your head, and the darkness that makes you miss me at night. 

And you're sweet, and kind... and everything I'd have ever wanted if I wasn't this... strange and broken and grotesque.

You are only selfish when taking my kisses.

I am selfish because I allow you to be mine for this moment, this day, this week, this month, until I tire of you or find someone else.

It would be so easy to love you, you know? So easy. But I can't give you that gun. I can't give you that power to hurt me. I refuse.

The Fear

You're every shade of calm.

The sea on a sunny day, in the distance,

the sky on cloudless days and nights,

the heavy, heady smell of the ocean,

the electric blue neon lights.

I'm every shade of anger.

The bright light of a flame devouring roses,

the heat from the candle on a cold night,

the darkness that refuses to leave you,

the jarring headlights in the dark.

Baby,

you and I,

we're like wild fire:

all consuming, all heat and hands,

and mouths pressed to each other,

swallowing each others' moans

as the heat creeps into our system.

And you kiss my neck, and down my chest,

like it's a lifeline for something more,

but it isn't.

You lose yourself in my mazes,

and here I am watching you,

getting engulfed in my supernovas

while I calculate the distance my heart needs to move

away from you.

Always away from you.

You're giving yourself away,

and here I am,

waiting for me to tire of you,

waiting for myself to walk away,

before you do.

I am every shade of anger, babe.

I am the forest fires

that burn your fortresses down,

and I am the cold winter storms.

I am the darkness that I bring out in you,

I am the selfish hands you use to cling to my hips,

I am your maddening kisses,

I am the jealousy you feel,

Stop giving yourself to me.

I'll take it.

I'll take it all.

Lip Bite

Your arm is around my shoulder, and you're playing with my hair, toying with the curls. I look at you questioningly, an eyebrow raised, and you laugh and pull away. It makes me smile.

I look away from you again, and your hands at my cheek now, caressing it. I have half a mind to turn towards it and suck a finger into my mouth so you can get the message already, why don't you just kiss me?

But I don't; instead, I joke about how thin you are and you laugh again, but this time you pull me close, and we touch foreheads. I try not to get my hopes up. I mean, what are the chances? You aren't going to kiss me, this is all just... but there it is. Your lips on mine. I am shocked, and surprised, and elated, and want to scream "FINALLY"at you at the same time.

But I can't talk right now, I can barely think. All there is on my mind is your lips on mine, slowly, oh, so slowly, kissing me like I'm the most fragile thing on Earth. So soft, and sweet, and strong, and you don't let go.

At one point, you smooth my hair away from my face, and cup it in your hands. You softly kiss the corners of my mouth over and over again, making me smile in the process, and then you take my bottom lip in between your teeth and tug softly before sucking on it. My hands are at your side, fistfuls of your t-shirt in them. It's all I can do to stop myself from ripping the damn thing off.

Then you kiss my neck, my pulse point, and I hold in a shiver. It tickles. You kiss my cheek, the tip of my nose, my lips, again.

And it's like this for at least 40 minutes, just us getting lost in each other's hot, wet, kisses.

It's glorious.