All My Faults

I'm sorry if my sadness scares you, if it makes you angry and it makes me difficult to love.

I'm sorry if it's hard for you to see me lay it all out by your feet the darkness I use as a cloak and my tears that never cease.

I'm sorry if the rain clouds in my mind never seem to end, it's a perpetual battle for sunny days.

I'm sorry if I like the feeling of the rain so much, the way it drenches my emotions and weighs me down, it clouds my mind while the thunder and lightning flash behind my eyes. 

It's all I've ever known.

I'm sorry for the long moments of silence, if it makes you feel awkward, if it makes you worry. There's a war raging in my brain, it's been going on for eons.

Sometimes, I think I can hear the screams. 

I'm sorry if I don't smile as much as I used to, if my eyes are less alive. I just feel so dead inside. 

Sometimes, I wonder if there's still a soul stirring inside me, most days I don't feel my heart beating. 

I'm sorry if you don't want to hear what I have to say anymore, if my constant need for reassurance and a shoulder to cry on, for someone who understands annoys you.

I can't help it.

I have no one else.

I'm sorry.

Push

There are dark thoughts in my head, little tragedies that play back and forth like an overworn DVD disc, complete with glitches and scene jumps. There is a numbness in my brain, keeping it from feeling anything except emptiness. The words resonate and echo through it but they mean nothing, mere whisps of emotions long forgotten.
You see, I've staved off the darkness, I've grappled with it my whole life, for what is a girl to do in a world that does not want her? I've managed to keep it at bay for the longest time, but even the strongest of warriors falter.
So here it is, once again, this addictive sadness that creeps upon me like a fog, cool and familiar, it blankets around me like an old friend. It promises safety and painless surrender, it lulls me to sleep and makes me forget the trappings of my heart, the people I love, the people I need. It embraces me and shields me from the world that cares not for my voice, my presence, my existence. It tells me not to leave, not to fight it again.
I am tempted. The sweet surrender to the abyss and the emptiness, the numbness, the drag of crushing, weightless depression is sometimes too strong to resist. All I want is to push people away, make them unlove me, make them fear me, make them hate me. Because I need no one. All I need is me, and my perpetual rain cloud, and this numbing fog. I will be safe, I will be protected, I will be dead inside, but I will survive.