I'm trying to write something happy,
I have found there is no more reason for me to write about sadness,
and unrequited love.
But old habits die hard,
and how on earth can I sell happiness to a world that devours heartache
like it's the newest strain of Cannabis, or the next best thing to cocaine?
I've been so cooped up and defensive of everything,
so negative, so.... blasé...
so fucking uninterested in your feelings and mine.
I've denied it all,
the signs you put out,
the way you looked at me,
the way you made me feel,
the existence of my heart,
and then BAM!
They come crashing down and all of a sudden...
the world's all stolen kisses,
and watery sunshine seeping through rain clouds,
It's bright purples and happy blues,
and vibrant pinks and iridescent oranges,
it's so much color and so much life... and...
How did I manage to miss it all?
How could I not see it all?
I never thought I'd ever be this happy,
never thought I'd ever deserve to feel this kind of elation,
this kind of constant giddiness.
You're every color of the spectrum that I have never seen before,
and every sunset that I have yet to see.
You're everything I need right now,
you're me, but different.
More loving, more secretive,
more... scared.
But I love it.
And I love you,
and I kind of hate you for it,
but I don't care.
I refuse to believe in forever,
because once you do,
the heartache of losing you becomes unbearable.
I refuse to believe that you will never tire of me.
You will, it's a matter of time.
I will, however, believe in right now,
in this moment,
in the feelings you evoke from me.
And I will love you,
because I want to,
until it hurts,
until I can't anymore.
And I will smile every time
you tell me you love me back.
I will melt into you every time
you kiss my lips,
my neck,
my chest.
I will hold your hands
when you need me to;
and cradle your head in my lap
when it hurts.
And I will love you,
because this is a novelty for me,
to have someone love me back.
But I'll also wait
for when you want someone else.
Because you aren't my forever.
You're my for now,
and you're more than enough.
I needed you to fight for me.
I needed to know that if i gave up, you wouldn't.
I needed to know if you'd be there if I break down and know what to do.
I needed you to say something, anything.
You should know me well enough by now. I am an open book.
I was always an open book to you.
I never hid anything.
I wanted to let you in,
I wanted you to FIGHT FOR ME.
But you didn't.
You just let me go.
I gave you so many chances to stop me, but you let me...
You let me leave.
So i left.
And i already miss you.
I can hardly stop crying.
I LOVED YOU, I still do.
But it's not like it matters that i'm hurting, too.
And i am every bit so sorry about hurting you,
I am sorry I gave you so much only to take it all away,
I am sorry.
Because I was so happy with you, you made me so happy.
But I needed more, wanted more,
and we both said we could not give any more than what we had planned.
And I know you don't like talking about ANYTHING,
but I NEED to talk.
I need this to get out.
I cant NOT tell you this,
it will kill me inside.
I love you, I'm sorry.
